Medical "Tours"

"Hey doc, I've been having this chest pain when I walk a few feet. It's getting so bad I can barely walk from my bed to the bathroom."

"Really? Hmm. *click* I see from your chart, Mr. Smith, that you don't have health insurance. *click* And you have six kids. *click* But you have been working steadily at McDonalds for the last 10 years. *click* oh, and you have an ample supply of nitroglycerine."

"Yeah."

"Well congratulations, Mr. Smith! You've qualified for an all inclusive Medical Tour to India!" * Tah dah * goes the computer. "Just think: an all-inclusive package with airfare, surgery, un-air-conditioned transportation to and from the medical facility, bottled water, 8 nights of accommodations, and tour of the Taj Mahal, all for the low-low price of $10,812!!"

"But I can't er, walk, too far."

"Oh, now, don't be a party pooper, Mr. Smith. Imagine the opportunity for world travel! There's nothing like flying cheek-to-cheek in economy comfort in the airplane both to and from your destination for the quick 23-hour flight! Isn't that worth the little chest pain you'll get carrying your bags on board? And think of the return trip with those leg wounds you'll have! You know, the ones where they harvest the veins to bypass those nasty little blockages. You'll be the entertainment for your entire row!"

"But my family..."

"There, there, Mr. Smith. Don't worry about them! They'll be so happy you've taken this Tour. After all, you'll be saving them thousands of dollars while basking in the.... er, wait, it's June ... well, the monsoons there won't be too bad. And when was the last time you saw rain like that? I mean, come on, Mr. Smith, be a player!"

"But they won't be there for me...."

"You don't need their support, Mr. Smith, it's just a tiny surgery. No biggie, Mr. Smith. Or, er, I hear they have companion fares if you get an American Express platinum card, Mr. Smith. You know: buy one airfare, get the other one free... can I interest you?" * Holds up the American Express brochure to Mr. Smith *

"Really?"

"Sure! And the best part, Mr. Smith, I've heard your employer will pay you money for taking this trip: they'll give you 20% of the cost savings they receive compared to what it would cost you here in the States! Wouldn't the kids like something special for Christmas?"

"Wow. I had no idea..."

"And that's just the beginning. The cows on the street, the incredible traffic, rickshaws, lack of center lines on the roads, it all makes for one thrilling and entertaining ride to and from the hospital! And the water. Oh, the water there. It's sparkling fresh - from the bottle, of course. But if you're the daring type, heck, try a little of the native water. You're sure to have some fun, then! Oh, but you'll need one more medication."

"What's that?"

"Mefloquine."

"Huh?"

"Just a little something to help with those nasty mosquitos. No big deal, really."

"Thanks, doc." Suddenly, Mr. Smith's chest tightness grows a bit at rest. "Er, doc, I'm having some of that chest pain again."

"Have any of those nitro pills, Mr. Smith? Try throwing one under your tongue, we wouldn't want you disqualified from your trip now, would we?"

"Gosh, no, doc!" Scrambling, he finds his nitroglycerine tablets and pops one under his tongue. Minutes later, he's breathing better. "Thanks, doc."

"Hey, no problem, Mr. Smith. Glad I could help. I mean, who needs medical care when there's Medical Tours! Bon voyage!"

-Wes