Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Pharmaceutical Dragnet

Ladies and gentlemen: the story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

“Doctor, I think I saw that lady who just went out to the waiting room stuff a bunch of samples in her coat!”


“What’d she take?”

“Boxes of those Coreg CR pills just dropped off by the drug rep.”

“Why did he leave them there? * sigh *”

Tuesday, February 12. It was cold in Chicago. We were working the day watch out of the pacemaker division. My partner's Ben Romero. The boss is Ed Backstram, chief of detectives. My name's Friday. Doctor Joe Friday.
(Doctor Friday enters waiting room to confront suspect.)

“Ma’am. We have reason to believe that you might have been the perp in a recent drug heist here in our office.”

“Who me?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“But I was just waiting for my husband who’s having his defibrillator checked.”

“Yes ma'am. But did you pass in the proximity of the front counter?"

"I did."

"And might you have taken a few boxes of the Coreg CR on our counter?”


“You do realize that the new Coreg CR pills do not have the same bioavailability as regular Coreg, and that these are once a day pills, not twice a day, don’t you?"

“They are?”

“Yes ma’am. We wouldn’t want any of our patients overdosed, you know.”

Suspect reconsiders. “Well, I might have taken one. Here you go. I’m sorry.”

Doctor Joe Friday returns to office area, feeling victorious. Secretary confronts said doctor.

“I know she has many more boxes, did you frisk her?”

“No.” Doctor Joe Friday returns to waiting room.

“Ma’am? Did you or did you not return all boxes of Coreg CR? We have reason to believe that there may be others. You wouldn’t be holding others, would you?”

Patient feels guilt. Eyes of fellow suspects fall upon her. She then produces 8 more boxes of Coreg CR from her purse and overcoat.

“Any others?”

“No. Really.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

In the end, another criminal brought to justice.

“But we don’t even try to prove that crime doesn’t pay ... sometimes it does.”
- Jack Webb

1 comment:

Dr. Deb said...

Funny and yet sad too.