Okay, America. Stay healthy. Eat only two thousand calories per day, exercise five times a week, don't smoke, keep your body mass index at an appropriate level and for goodness sakes, don't let me find your hemoglobin A1C over 6.5, ya hear? I demand it.
Okay, Mr. Hospital-Employer, I did my part, now pay me, okay?
What? You won't? What do you mean when you say I haven't DONE anything?
I have just broadcast to the world (via the internet, no less) exactly what I should be doing to keep people healthy. Isn't this payment-for-keeping-people-healthy thing supposed to be our new payment model going forward? We're all in this together, right? You know, one big happy Accountable Care Organization. Accountable for the quality of care we provide and for our ability to keep people out of our doors. What's better than preventing illness for lowering our costs to the health care system?
What's that you say?
What do you mean I have to work nights and weekends now? I've been your stalwart foot-soldier! I've done everything our administrative directors and the government has asked me to do: click questionnaires, completed my charts, looked at patients in the eye when I care for them, even went above and beyond to blast sincere public service announcements on your behalf!
What's that? They're getting sick anyway?
No way. They can't! They've done everything right! They've followed my every message! People don't just get cancer! We can STOP that, darn it. Maybe we can issue a few more sincere press releases and policy ideas...
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. I'll try to do better. No problem going to another hospital that you bought. Really. No that's fine. What's a few more RVU's, right? Yes, sir, I understand.
* pause * (Reaching for his cell phone)
"Honey, I'm going to be a bit late tonight. Looks like I have to see a few more consults..."