Saturday, May 24, 2008

The Dog and His Master

Good dog. Sit. Siiittt.

Now, I see you use claims-based reporting to Medicare.


Just fill out three or more measures of 80% of your "applicable" patients OR one measure for 30 consecutive patients OR one measure for 80% of your "applicable" patients for the entire year.

Adda boy!

Now fetch that paperwork. Fill it out.

That's my dog!

Now, check the calendar. Still before 1 July?

Goooood. You can qualify for the whole biscuit still! Whew!

And did you see, CMS has increased the number of "measures" from 74 to 119 just to make it easier for you, boy!

Sit! Now sssiiiiiittttt. Don't try to get up boy. Don't do runnin' off after that ol' 'coon boy. That's it. That's a good internal medicine dog. Don't you see boy? You make about $200,000 a year, and if you behave and do those tricks, I'll give you that biscuit we've been talkin' about. But you gotta behave, boy! Do what I tell you.

Yep, I got you that Special $3-K biscuit!

Oooop. Stay boy! Why you runnin' off? Damn it boy! Stay! How many times I gotta tell you? You don't mind your manners, and we're gonna put you back in your cage, dammit!

What's that? Why you growlin' boy? We're just tuggin' your leash a little. Oh I know, I know, you see 70 patients a week for 40 weeks a year. You know, it's a about a buck a patient... Come on, boy! That's it, boy. Fill out that paper work! Document it! Document that you documented it.

Gooooddd. What a good quality-based purchasing dog!

Ooop, I see you missed one of your 30-in-row patients, boy. Sorry, no biscuit for that one. Maybe you'll hit the 80% mark of all your other patients with that measure.

What's that, boy? Not sure which one your measurin'? Oh now, now, don't worry. Just measure, boy. See the biscuit? Yep, I still have it! Adda boy, keep workin', boy!

What a good dog!

What the...??? Where the hell you goin', boy? Get back here! Get BACK here! DAMN IT! I work my butt off to train these damn dogs and they up an bolt to the hospitals. Every frickin' time.

Oh, well. He'll come back. Hunger and our hospital rankin's have a way of doin' that.


1 comment:

Rogue Medic said...

You capture the respectful tone of the bureaucrat wonderfully.

Should it be encouraging to know that these clowns are put up with by just about everyone, or should it be depressing that so many believe in these counterproductive rules?